Paranoid Delusions
by Raye Lynne
Summary: A oneshot songfic starring Yumichika to the tune of Hedley's "Narcissist". It is random. It is stupid--really stupid. And you will laugh! Totally different from what I usually do, so don't judge too harshly!


_  
The has been high school hero  
He's first in line in his whole mind and doesn't care about the rest  
_"I FEEL PURPLE TODAY!" squealed Yumichika. _"Puuuurrrrpllllllllllle!!!" _He spun around in happy circles, then stopped.

"But what kind of purple? There's royal and lavender and eggplant and mauve and lilac and violet and – _I know!" _he cried triumphantly. "_Wisteria! _Wisteria, wisteria, yayyayyayyayyayyayyayyayyay wis-ter-i-aaaaaaaaaaaa!"

He selected a yukata of just the right shade and put it on.

"Yaaaaaaaaaay! I feel pretty…oh so pretty…I feel pretty and witty and – goodness! Time to wake up Ikkaku!"

He skipped out the door and into Ikkaku's room. The bald man was asleep on his futon.

Yumichika bent down, right over his ear.

"Waaaaaaaaaaake up, sleepyhead!" he sang as sweetly – and as loudly – as he could.

_A handsome half wit zero  
He'll be your friend until the end if you're the coolest and the best  
_

"Yumichika!" Ikkaku hollered, waking up with a jolt. "Dammit, Yumichika, how many times have I told ya not to do that?!"

Yumichika snickered. "I don't know. I keep forgetting because it's so funny to watch you react."

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…" replied Ikkaku, rolling over to check his alarm clock.

"_Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?! 9:30?! _I need to report for training by 10:00!" He turned his head slowly, glaring dangerously. "Yumichika…"

"I thought you could use a little extra beauty sleep for your first day," Yumichika cheerfully explained.

"GRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!" yelled Ikkaku_._ He leaped out of bed and knocked Yumichika to the floor in a rush for his closet. "You're lucky I'm running late, or I'd strangle ya!"

"No need to thank me!" said Yumichika.

A minute and a half later, Ikkaku, wearing the white robes with the small red emblems of a shinigami-in-training, and Yumichika started walking to the Seireitei. Ikkaku was holding his zanpaku-tô in one hand and pear in the other (there hadn't been time for a real breakfast), and he almost dropped them both when Yumichika screamed, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"

"What?!" demanded Ikkaku.

"My hair!" wailed Yumichika. "I forgot about my hair!" And he charged back to the house, leaving a furious Ikkaku behind.

He ran to his room and grabbed a comb and some hair oil from a drawer, then rushed over to the enormous mirror that covered nearly the entire wall. He dipped the comb in the oil, and ran it through his chin-length black hair frantically. When he was done, he sighed with relief.

Then he stared at himself.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say that couldn't possibly be me," he said to himself. "I'm just so unbelievably gorgeous." Tears sprang to his eyes. "I'm so proud of myself!"

_He falls in love with his reflection in the glass  
He can't resist who's staring back  
_

On an impulse, he checked the part in his hair. He gasped – it was off-centre! Carefully, he poked at individual hairs until they lined up perfectly.

"Much better!" he smiled.

_  
He makes a case  
That all you've ever needed is a pretty face  
But the bottom line about it is a 'never was' is all he'll ever be  
He can't resist the paranoid delusions of a narcissist  
It doesn't matter anyways cause he's a self fulfilling prophecy  
Of make believe  
_

"Yumichika!" yelled Ikkaku from outside. "Get your ass back out here, now!"

As they walked (at a slightly faster pace) Ikkaku grumbled, remind me again why I'm bothering to wait for you?"

"Because you know how much I'm going to miss my best friend while he's off becoming a shinigami?" suggested Yumichika. "And I'll be alone…all alone… so alone!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll miss ya too," said Ikkaku. "Except for what you pulled this morning."

They walked in silence, until they reached the gates of the Seireitei, where there was a lineup of other trainees, waiting to get in.

"Farewell, Madarame Ikkaku, lifelong friend and brother in spirit!" cried Yumichika.

Ikkaku gave a small smile, and clapped him on the shoulder. "See ya, buddy."

As Yumichika walked back through the city by himself, he sniffled, trying not to cry. Red eyes would not match his yukata, after all.

"Hey, man, are you okay?"

Yumichika looked to se a young man with unruly straw-coloured hair, freckles, and – _a pile of zits on his forehead!_

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! The ugliness!" screamed Yumichika.

"Wha – what are you talking about?" asked the man.

"Yaaaaaaaah! The horror! _THE HORROR!! _Get it away!" Yumichika closed his eyes, blocking out this abhorrent sight, then he ran, eyes still closed.

"Must escape! Must escape!"

Then he ran into a metal lantern-post.

"Oopsy," he said, then he blacked out.

----

He woke up in the middle of a lush jungle, surrounded by every shade of green, and multicoloured plants that he'd never seen before.

"Where am I?"

"Ugh," said a voice, "that shade of purple is absolutely _hideous. _I can hardly bear to look at it."

"Wha--?" Yumichika turned his head to see a tall, goddess-like woman staring down at him. She had flawless pale skin, and thick, flaming auburn waves. She wore a flowing dress in bright blue, and had what appeared to be wings of peacock's tail feathers erupting from her shoulders. Thin blue feathers were attached to the corners of her left eye.

_  
She's a suburban princess  
She's had it all since she was small and sucking on a silver spoon  
_

"Your yukata," the woman said. "It's _fuji – _wisteria." She shuddered.

"Hey!" said Yumichika. "I happen to like wisteria!"

"Disgusting," she said. "Azure is the only colour as far as I'm concerned."

"I don't care if you are the second-most beautiful person I have ever seen – what gives you the right to say that?!"

"_Second_-most beautiful?"

"Aside from my own reflection," Yumichika preened.

The woman bristled. "Seeing as you are to be my master, I suppose I'll forgive your discrepancy, and spare your life."

_Another gold card purchase  
This daddy's girl thinks the whole world revolves around her like the moon_

"'Discrepancy'?!"

"Indeed. And a massive one at that."__

Each day's a film premiere where all the boys will stare  
She pretends she doesn't care

She makes a case  
That all you've ever needed is a pretty face  
But the bottom line about it is a 'never was' is all she'll ever be  
She can't resist the paranoid delusions of a narcissist  
It doesn't matter anyways cause she's a self fulfilling prophecy  
Of make believe  


"Hey! I have half a mind to—wait. Earlier, you said that I'm your—master? Who are you?"

The woman flared her wings proudly. "I am Ruriiro Kujaku."

"Um…that's great. But how is that important to me?"

"It means, idiot, that I'm your zanpaku-tô!"

"Whaaaaaaaaat?" said Yumichika. "I don't have a zanpaku---wait a minute. You're my zanpaku-tô?"

"That's what I just said," Ruriiro snapped.

"Oh. So I have a zanpaku-tô?"

"YES!"

"_Allllllllllllllllllllll riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! _Woot woot!" He started his happy circles again, singing,"I have a zanpaku-tô; I have a zanpaku-tô; squee!"

Ruriiro sighed.

_  
And on the day he met her  
The high pretension of their love connection all but sealed the deal  
_

"Will you shut your mouth and stop dancing?" Ruriiro demanded. "You have five minutes to report for training."

"What training?"

"Shinigami training, you moron!"

"Oh."

Sighing again, Ruriiro snapped her fingers, and Yumichika vanished. This was going to be a _long_ partnership…

----

Yumichika's eyes snapped open. He saw Ruriiro Kujaku, in blade form, lying next to him.

"Sweet!" he cried, snatching it and leaping up. Then he started running back to the Seireitei.

When he got there, only Ikkaku was left (because he'd been so late, he'd been the last in line). He'd been talking to the gatekeeper, but he turned when he heard Yumichika coming.

"What are ya doin' back here?" he said. Then he saw the zanpaku-tô. "Wha—Yumichika, where'd ya get that?"

Ignoring him, Yumichika clutched his blade proudly, and stood as straight as he could, raising his arm in a salute.

"Ayasegawa Yumichika, reporting for shinigami training, sir!" he cried.

The gatekeeper looked him up and down, then nodded.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" cried Yumichika, running through the gate.

Ikkaku followed a minute later.

"Dude, what's going on? Why do ya have a zanpaku-tô? I didn't even know you had any reiatsu…and why'd ya change your yukata? You're only gonna get a uniform later."

"Huh?" Yumichika looked down.

His yukata wasn't wisteria anymore.

It was blue.

Azure, in fact.

------

---_Twenty years later---_

Yumichika hopped out of bed and put on his black shihakusho robes. He pulled a wool mantle over his head to cover his shoulders, then he oiled his hair. He opened a drawer to reveal dozens of multicoloured feathers. He selected a few, and attached them to the corners of his left eye. Lastly, he strapped Ruriiro Kujaku around his waist. He looked in the mirror and smiled. They looked perfect together.

_Happily ever after _

_Who better for each other than another _

_Candidate to_

Make a case  
That all they've ever needed is a pretty face  
But the bottom line about it is a 'never was' is all they'll ever be  
They can't resist the paranoid delusions of a narcissist  
But they're together anyways and share their self obsessed reality  


There was a knock on the door and Yumichika went and opened it. It was Byakuya.

Byakuya sang,

_We can't resist the paranoid delusions of a narcissist  
It doesn't matter anyway cause we're a self fulfilling prophecies  
Of make believe  
_

Then he vanished.

Yumichika blinked. Byakuya sang a good baritone. But that didn't explain anything…

Yumichika shut the door, shaking his head.

"He just wishes he was as beautiful as me!" he decided.


End file.
